After  the success of Dr Hilary's slot on GMTV and the advent of columns
such  as that of "Ask Dr Alan" in 'Woman' magazine, the Word if proud to
present:-

|ASK DR CRIPPIN!



Our  first  problem  for  our resident agony-aunt, Dr Crippin, to ponder
over,  is  a commonly encountered problem in this line of business, that
of the marriage that has become lacklustre, and caused strained tensions
and wandering fancies...

Dear Dr Crippin,

I  am  a  young  wife of 32 years whose married life has become somewhat
dull & lifeless over the past year or so.  My husband of eight years has
begun  to  express  disinterest  and  does  not seem to find me sexually
attractive  anymore.   He never was very big in the trousers department,
and  could never have been described as a stud, but a he was better than
nothing (marginally) and a woman needs to get hers too, you know!!

Please  help, as I am on the brink of a very serious relationship with a
young cucumber I met on a lunch date.

                Yours,

|Worried in Wigan


Mrs Worried,

In  my  professional  opinion,  in order to put the spark back into your
relationship, you should wait for him to come home from work one evening
and  give  him  a  big  surprise.   I  suggest  soaking  your  husband's
underpants  in  salt water, then wiring his favourite armchair up to the
mains.   These  will  certainly be a surprise, and should alleviate your
problems in an instant (for once, not organised by Camelot!).


My next letter is from a computer porgrammer in Cleethorpes,


Dear Dr Crippin,

I  am a coder from Cleethorpes (I just said that, thicko!), and I have a
severe  problem  in  that,  I'm so jealous of my mate, Dibz (aka Aladdin
Sane),  that  I  take  the piss out of him no end.  He's such a rock-god
sex-machine   cosmic   diva   that  I  cannot  help  but  feel  complete
self-loathing when in his most gracious presence.

Please  help,  as  I  have  even  been  writing scurrilous articles in a
disk-zine  (what a lovely word, DISK-ZINE, it just rolls off the tongue)
about him, when they're blatantly untrue.

                Yours,

|CUNT from Cleethorpes



Dear CUNT,

Its  obvious  to  me that your friend is the handsomest, most gorgeously
sexy and omnipotent lurve-fiend in the entire universe and you should be
SERIOUSLY  ASHAMED  of  the  terrible things you have done to him.  I am
afraid  you  will  just  have  to  hope that he is as forgiving as he is
raunchy  and that he will accept as his friend once more, probably after
you  having completed a number of small tasks (ever heard of the LABOURS
OF HERCULES ?)

That's  about  all  for  this ish, CUNT has pisseed me off to the extent
that I cannot be ARSED to answer any more worries, now go on, SOD OFF !

|DR CRIPPIN



Dr Crippin, just one of the many facets of my wonderful personality...

Aladdin Sane
(1974 - 199?)